Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts

i'm quite interested in ernest hemingway.  i find that i have a tendency to become more fascinated by an artist or author rather than their work in itself - a sure sign i am destined to be a psychologist rather than a creative-type!  i have read hemingway's a moveable feast, which tells the story of his live in paris with his first wife hadley, and which i enjoyed immensely.  i also recently finished reading a book about the women in his life, which was a curious way of learning about him.  the book (the hemingway women by bernice kent, if you're interested) told the story of his life through introducing the women in his family, then his girlfriends and wives (of which he had four).

thanks to my feminist mother, i often find myself acutely aware of gender roles in books, the media and my own life, and they could not be more exaggerated or stereotypical in the life of ernest hemingway.  that his friends and wives called him 'papa' hints at the patriarchal and domineering role he seemed to have taken in nearly all of his relationships.  i found it curious then to observe the ways in which his various partners responded to this.  it seemed that all but one (martha, my favourite) simply made room, changed the shape of their lives and their souls and their dreams to make way for this very large, all-consuming (in a metaphorical way, rather than a too much mcdonalds way) man.  what was sad about this was that while they were home, ironing his shirts, he was usually out meeting his next wife.

where i get confused about this whole thing is in the fact that, as a result of the choices he made about his life, his priorities and his relationships, ernest hemingway made enormous contributions to the world of literature.  as far as i can see, he treated a lot of women like crap, left his kids at home with mean nannies while he travelled the world, and was generally a selfish, chauvinist, slightly crazy alcoholic, and yet he will remain revered for his writing, and with good reason.

so this makes me wonder - if you have a gift, something you can foster and develop and share with the world, is it okay to be a bit of a jerk in other areas of your life?  i know this year when i have been in the dark deep depths of trying to understand a new concept or a new person that i felt like i needed to be selfish, to save all my resources for growing and changing and learning new things.  i really don't think i would have gotten through if i hadn't done this, but i always wonder whether that is an excuse i have made because really, it feels great to be someone with Something Important To Do.  in the meantime, what about the hadleys of the world, the ones doing your ironing while you're out being Important?

what do you think?

they like it when you're trying to be a therapist for you to get your own therapy.  i am the studious type and so i have taken this absurdly expensive and occasionally traumatic journey into self discovery.  i find it quite strange to think about writing about in this format. i've set this up to be anonymous, but i know if you knew me you'd be able to figure out that this is me, and therapy, as you would imagine, is rather personal.  having said that, i have searched for writing about other peoples' therapy and it is noticeably absent.  so i'll talk a bit about it and see how it goes.

i have seen my therapist for about twenty sessions.  she has a lovely office with a cream couch and pictures of birds and books by jung and freud.  she is always neatly dressed in nice, neutral clothes.  she starts every session the exact same way.  she comes out of the office and says my name like she is surprised and delighted to see me.  she says "come in!", waits for me to walk through the door, then shuts it behind me - i used to shut the door but i quickly learned that this is not how things are done.  she holds out her hand and says "take a seat."  we both sit down, then she smiles her therapist smile, exhales and says "so... what's on your mind?"

this is incredibly anxiety provoking.  has anyone ever asked you that?  what IS on your mind? it's a glorious, confusing question.  she's not asking "what do you want to talk about?" or "what is important to talk about?" or "what do you think is appropriate or useful or clever to talk about?"  all of these questions are very easy to answer, because we spend all day talking about what we want to or what we think we should or what will sound clever.  but i find it so hard to speak to what's on my mind - so many times i have started off talking about how hard it is to talk.

she's quite clever, my therapist.  it feels like she is sitting there in her chair across from me and really trying to know me, which is an experience that is hard to describe.  she talks quite a bit, which i think is unusual for a psychoanalytic therapist, but i like it.  i have teachers (who are also therapists) who do this thing where they just stare expectantly at you (and no doubt at their patients) the whole time, trying to provoke you to keep talking, and she does a bit of that, but it's not too much.  she gives me time to think.

i think that's all for now.